Rajiv has always been known as a sensitive, empathetic man, all his life. So when he married and started a family, his entire family and circle of friends gushed to his new bride that she had struck a lottery! She was very lucky to have married Rajiv and that he would never let a tear fall from her eyes for the rest of her life!
And Soujanya too believed that she had indeed hit a jackpot with a partner like Rajiv. He was caring, helpful around the house and took care of all of her needs. She felt lucky that he was even tempered, never raised his voice and most of all, gave her an allowance every month without her asking for it. A fantastic husband and a caring partner in times when she heard horror stories from her friends about how they were being ill treated by their partners.
All was going very well and they had a baby too. The baby needed Soujanya’s undivided attention and Rajiv, being the caring husband that he was, he would naturally pitch in with any part of the childcare that he could. After all, he was the father and his role was beyond the simple act of being a sperm donor. He had an equal responsibility with the child and he was very proud of his new role. Every single day, he would carry the baby around and play with it while his wife cooked and cleaned. He was a hands on father and loved to dress the baby, feed it and play with it all day long.
Soujanya on the other hand wasn’t enjoying the process of childcare as much. She was tired all day from the loads of cooking, cleaning and washing she was doing all the time. The baby would wake up many times during the night and she had to wake up, feed the baby, burp it and put it back to sleep only to be woken up within minutes to change the nappy. This carried on for a whole year and in all this time, Rajiv too pitched in. During the day whenever he had a few minutes break from work, he would carry the baby and play with it.
The child grew to be able to start school and as was needed, Rajiv started to wake up early so that he could help Soujanya with the baby’s bath and dressing up and dropping it off at school. Soujanya, continued to be exhausted all day long and slowly started to get irritable too. Everyone clicked their tongues and said this must be the new age post-partum which lasts longer these days compared to their grandmothers times. Soujanya just needed some supplements and she would be okay. Others suggested that Soujanya must quit her job and stay at home and focus on herself and her baby because this time would never come back and that she is missing out on a very important aspect of the child’s growing years. Some others suggested that Soujanya must be grateful she has Rajiv around and that he “manages” so much around the house.
While Rajiv and many new age fathers are “pitching” in with childcare, what they don’t realise is the mental load the mother carries which only keeps increasing every single day! The thing is, most often we see the physical labour of cooking, cleaning and washing that happens in a household no matter what the state of physical ability or mental ability. Every woman is expected to cook healthy, nutritious meals for every meal time. This requires a lot of planning and organizing and budgeting. If she is fortunate, she may even be able to delegate this job to a househelp, but that still doesn’t take away the effort of planning the dishes, making sure the ingredients are stocked up, making sure there is a variety on the plate, making sure that the whole process fits the monthly budget, is fresh at all times and the quantities are balanced so that food never runs out at the same time making sure that there is not much food wastage.
So when Rajiv gets the child ready to school by bathing it and putting the uniform and shoes and putting the bag on their shoulder and packing the lunch box, there is a whole array of invisible work that Soujanya has put in just so that Rajiv can carry out these simple tasks effortlessly. Soujanya has made sure that the childs uniform has been washed and ironed, shoes have been polished, bag has been packed as per the timetable, lunch box has been planned and executed to include the childs favourite foods as well as the nutritious food that it needs to sustain its energy through the day, she has also kept tabs of the project that needed to be submitted as of yesterday, she has made sure the child has taken its multivitamins, packed enough water to last the whole day and also ensured that the child has a “surprise” candy for the way home. Soujanya has been tracking the childs vaccination schedules, doctor appointments, planning which doctor is best suited for her child and her needs, ensured that the school she enrols the child in has all the important criteria that ticks off in her boxes, the child is safe at all times and while carrying out all these, Soujanya has not once ignored Rajiv’s needs! Being the sounding board for him, helping him with his clothes and shoes and making sure they are all laid out the exact manner in which he likes them, making sure he is taking his supplements, he is getting enough nutrition in his diet, ensuring that he is able to get his exercise and fitness in no matter what, making sure that he is mentally and sexually happy and in all this, she is also keeping tabs on his mother and her own parents.
All this while she is negotiating her way back into her career after a baby!
So, when people tell you that the partner is “helping” check again. How much and how well is their “help” actually of consequence to the woman in the equation. Men may never be able to really take the mental load off of the women, but they can definitely try and work with her to share the load along with the physical load. Men must communicate openly with their partners and do it with a genuine need to help. Inconsistency and half hearted effort only increase the woman’s load. If you can’t, then step back and move out of her way. Give her the resources she needs and stay out of the picture. But if you think, you genuinely want to help, then roll up your sleeves and spend some time to go over each and every activity that needs to be done and meticulously work on them. There is no excuse for not being able to share the load. If you can read and write and think, then you can definitely take on more at the home too. If you are known as a strategist in your workplace, then do use those skills at home too. If you are known as someone who is a project planner or project specialist, then do use those skills at home too. Your work doesn’t end just because you got home. Your home work begins and ends only when you turn off the lights and head to bed! Or maybe not really, because you must also plan for tomorrow and the day after and the day after till the kids have flown off the nest and you and your partner can officially retire and take things slowly!
If you have come this far, let me in on a secret. If you somehow manage to crack this, you will be rewarded with a relationship that will nurture and fulfil you in ways you can never imagine! So go ahead, roll up your sleeves and get to work!
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