When was the last time you thought you had died and then managed to resuscitate your being?? I experienced this painful process very recently!
Here we were going from one place to another for most part of the afternoon and typically, the way it normally happens, without warning, my bladder started to constrict. This means I have to go and I have to go now! And this also means that I can’t go anywhere and everywhere I want to.
The reason being, I’m not an Indian dog or an Indian man. I can’t pull over to any roadside and let go! Neither can I look for the nearest tree/ wall/ barricade/ partition etc and relieve myself. In our country, when certain apparatuses were doled out to both men and women, it was given with a condition that the male species would get a free hand at using/ flashing his at his whim and fancy. But the female of the species would be subject to a song and dance before she sees light at the end of the tunnel! And when I say song and dance I mean it literally!
When you are controlling your bladder, you start by breathing deeply, tightly pulling in all your stomach and whatever muscles that surround the organ! Then when you are breathing slowly, you try to take small dainty steps. Larger steps only spell disaster! You have to be nimble footed through this process! And whilst you are going about this elaborate breathing, yoga and ballet steps, you are expected to have conversations! And it’s a supreme effort not to lop off a few heads who stop you from reaching your desired destination!
I especially find it exasperating when I have to ask for directions to the damn place. Firstly, it’s not everywhere, so your chances of finding a clean one is highly doubtful and if you do find one, a clean one, you’ll realise that the route to get it quite complicated!! For instance, in my case, like I said, we were out the whole afternoon looking for properties, so finding a loo in a construction site was close to impossible. Then we drove around looking for a decent restaurant. And that by itself was a daunting task. Small hotels have these tiny nooks created in a niche, where there’s this constant worry of getting locked in. And if you do make it in, then the place is stinking to high heavens, so that’s where your pranayama skills come in handy! And if you’ve survived so far, the next problem is water. Either there will be no water to clean up or the faucets will be sprinkling their jets all over you, your clothes and generally announce to the whole wide world that you’ve just relieved yourself!! Such places are very common and it’s not the best option! But like I said, when you got to go, you got to go!
The next option we Bangaloreans have are the malls! Dime a dozen to boot but with a sadistic twist! The loos are located at the farthest end of the mall and you have to wade through this sea of humanity that decides to make every step of yours a painful journey! People will stop suddenly in front of your face, nudge you in the ribs, stop you to ask for directions and every other conceivable block!! Imagine, you’re barely breathing at this moment, your insides are so tight, you’re sure you’ll damage a few unknown muscles and you’re crisscrossing your legs so much, it’s a miracle you’re not on the floor with your face down! And these dastardly people are making a special effort to acknowledge your presence. Any other day in the mall, there aren’t so many people for one, then no one caress you exist, and the loo is literally every alternate store away!!
The advantage of malls is the cleanliness. So in spite of all the hardships you faced on the way, at least you are assured of a clean toilet which quite literally welcomes you with its arms open wide and gently placed you on the WC!! YOU ARE IN HEAVEN NOW!!
The third scenario is, you walk in to the nearest star hotel! Here, you will have to look very business like, pretend like you’re meeting the President of the US, and weave your way into the washroom. You can’t just walk in to the washrooms here. You have to walk down a couple of corridors, walk past the lawns, their poolside, the pubs, a few artifact shops, window shop a bit, take in the beautiful garden, smell a few roses and walk ever so slowly to the washrooms! All this is to ensure that the staff don’t know your true purpose of getting in. You fail to do this and be prepared to face a lot of hostile looks from the security guys who have probably taken a few of your pictures and red flagged them under the ‘Casual Loo User’ category of files. So that the next time you sit down to dine, you’ll be conscious of a few contemptuous looks right from the doorman to the steward! Everyone knows your history and they will not forget that you ‘used’ them!!! You took their carefully polished washrooms for granted. You committed the sin of not using the hotels finest boutiques and restaurants before using their washrooms!! You will have to go back to the hotel a couple of times as penance and not use the washrooms a couple of times for that one act of perjury!!
To save us this trouble, I rarely look at the star hotels. But yes, I’ve committed these crimes before and I’ve carried the guilt in my heart! When I meet either Ratan Tata or Captain Nair, I shall confess and cleanse my soul!!
This is the sad plight of all women in our country! At least in bigger cities there is hope, but imagine small towns and villages! It’s terrible! Girls get raped when they venture out to perform this very basic act of excretion! Why does a woman have to be tortured like this? When will we see a country built for its women? When oh, when will a woman be empowered to just go and do it without having to go about the song and dance?!?
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